On episode 49 of A Chat with Uma, I’m back for a solo heart-to-heart with you about the painful circumstances I've been navigating recently. The show has been growing fast (hi, Ologies friends!), & I’ve been prioritizing platforming other voices. But I never want that to crowd out the core of this show: honest conversation about the realities living with serious mental illness, even while building a life in recovery. Today, I walk you through the last two months—an abrupt depressive crash, masking vs. unmasking with people in my life, navigating crisis at the IOCDF conference, & what I learned when I whispered, “Can anybody even hear me?” in the middle of the worst trip I’ve had in years.

I also share a major health update: I’m starting a two-week course of radiation to image/treat my metastatic thyroid cancer. I explain what that entails (going temporarily hypothyroid), how I’m preparing, & why I’m treating this forced pause as an exposure for unstructured time—leaning into skills, not compulsions. I hope this honest episode helps you feel seen, & helps the people around you understand the reality beneath a functioning exterior. I promise, you're NOT alone.

Topics Discussed (+ Timestamps):

(00:00:00 ) Intro to the episode: Unmasking on a new level, combatting the shame & isolation of severe mental illness, & the core of this show

Contextual episodes:

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠01. My Full Story: 0 to 26⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• 02-05. My Mental Health Journey: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Part 1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Part 2⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Part 3⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠Part 4⁠⁠, ⁠Part 5⁠

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠06. Yes, I've Done Psychedelics: From Psychonaut to Researcher⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: Pt 1,⁠⁠ ⁠Part 2⁠

• ⁠07-08. The Ketamine Diaries - OCD, PTSD, Depression, & Chronic Pain: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Part. 1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠,⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Part 2⁠⁠⁠⁠
  

(00:17:34 ) Where I’ve been: severe treatment-resistant depression history & OCD/comorbidity context
(00:22:04 ) The psilocybin cycle: why I delay it, growing windows of relief…until a sudden crash this June
(00:26:00 ) From anxiety to full-blown unexpected depression episode: hormones, paralysis, & masking through obligations
(00:31:58 ) Everything collides: upcoming IOCDF conference, busiest season of my nonprofit, grants, PhD experiments, friends visiting, & cancer treatment news
(00:35:40 ) My breaking point & why I posted the “in-it” photo (being believed vs. pedestal-ing)
(00:43:28 ) IOCDF while depressive crisis: unmasking in real time, doing the psychedelics panel, & what you didn’t see... being stuck in my room, unable to speak, paralyzed, & at the brink of leaving daily
(00:54:54 ) After the con: finishing lab work on fumes & needing to intervene with psilocybin
(00:59:00 ) The trip: worst yet, loss of insight, & the moment of “I need help—can anyone hear me?”
(01:05:28 ) The realization: feeling deeply unseen + invalidated, the pedestal effect, & finally asking for help in all parts of my life
(01:12:04 ) Cancer treatment update: 2 weeks of radiation & what the results will show
(01:16:20 ) Using forced rest as ERP for unstructured time, intrusive thoughts, & rumination
(01:18:00 ) What’s next: Ep. 50, the crux of this show, & our journey together

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